Congratulations!

Would it be inappropriate to dance naked at a graduation ceremony??? I am pretty sure that I have stated before, maybe more than once, how much I love my job. I work one-on-one with seniors in an alternative setting to help them finish the courses they need for graduation in just a few short weeks. So far, I have helped Tony, Preston and Carmen graduate. Carmen is the latest success story. She "graduated" at 11:27 a.m. today. I am currently working with Taylor and tomorrow I pick up Whitney. Taylor needs to finish economics, take government and finish horticulture. We started economics on Monday and he will finish it tomorrow. Whitney needs economics, government and sociology. We start working on government tomorrow. I hope to be able to work with Taylor and Whitney simultaneously. Then she should be able to finish economics by May 1st and sociology by May 10th. Cool, huh?

When Carmen graduated today I had my camera ready to take our picture together. She had the sweetest card ready for me. She thanked me for taking an interest in her and for taking time to help her realize her dream. She has absolutely no idea that I get more out of this than what I put into it. I'm telling you, it is the perfect job. I consider it a fringe benefit to get paid for this...doing what I love.

So, congratulations Preston. Congratulations Tony. Congratulations Carmen. And congratulations to Taylor and Whitney for what I know they will accomplish in the next three weeks. Thank you for allowing me into your life. I am proud to be part of your success.

Oh, by the way, see you guys at graduation on May 28th. I'll be the one with the camera and the big silly grin!

Carol and Tony


Carol and Carmen

Them's Fightin' Words...

Let me start by saying, "I love, Love, LOVE my job!" After 30 years in education I am in a position that I can name names and see faces of the kids that I am making a difference for. I helped Preston and Tony complete graduation requirements last week. Today I picked up two new students, Carmen and Taylor.

Carmen is a self-motivated single mother of a three year old. She is finishing her education in order to provide better for herself and her daughter. She is delightful to work with and so very appreciative. She does, however, have a problem with reading comprehension. That is why I am working with her. I started working with her on economics today. She had already begun the course, but we cranked it up and produced a lot of work today. We should finish the course by next Tuesday and will start government on Wednesday.

Taylor is a different story. He is a very bright young man who has gotten himself into some legal problems. From what I have been told, that is totally understandable. Cutting to the chase...his mother is a first class BITCH. Apparently she verbally kicks him in the crotch every chance she gets. Look, I understand being frustrated with your kid...even angry. I can't and won't ever understand undermining their efforts to better themselves. Taylor wants to graduate in May. He has to finish horticulture, economics and government. His mother is telling him, "You can't do it. You won't do it. You'll never make it..." She is a dream crusher. She is a leech. She is a bitch. I want to punch her in the face and I have never hit another person in anger in my life...okay, I spanked my kids,and I was probably angry at the time, but that doesn't count.

When I heard about Taylor's situation today, I got really pissed off. How dare she? It became my personal challenge to prove her wrong. I want Taylor to graduate so he can get out of that poisonous household. I want him to follow his dream...going to community college and working so that he can afford to finish his degree. I want him to SUCCEED beyond all of our wildest imaginings. I want Taylor to be able to say, "I told you so," and then turn and walk away to a better life.

I am grateful today. Grateful for the support I had growing up. Grateful for the sacrifices that were made so that I could get an education, so that I would be able to support myself as an adult should the need arise to do so, grateful for a nagging mother who kept me motivated, grateful for the economic sacrifices my dad made so that I could have all of my needs, and many of my wants, filled. Grateful that I am in a position to be able to physically observe the difference I am making. Grateful for the opportunity to get up each morning, go to work, and leave at the end of the day with a smile on my face.

I am blessed beyond all reason. I want to be a blessing to Carmen and Taylor and whomever comes my way next. Thank you, God, for this opportunity!

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater...

Okay, I will admit up front. I am NOT very creative. However, I can copy just about any idea I see. I'm really good at that. Almost a year ago I went to an art show at the lofts where my niece lives and works. It was really very fun. Hobnobbing with the artists (even if unknown), drinking wine and eating cheese and grapes and checking out other people's creative endeavors. I got to see some really great photography and I fell in love with this "painting" of a heart. I was enamored with it. I asked the artist how she did it...and SHE TOLD ME. Okay, like every other human being on earth, I've been drawing hearts since I first picked up a crayon. So, I can make a decent shaped heart most of the time. I decided then that I would reproduce that painting. When my boys got their house in August I thought, "That painting would make a good housewarming gift."

Okay, eleven months have passed, but why get into a rush? Last week I finally bought a canvas. Why? Because I was walking through Big Lots and they had a shelf full and I thought, "Oh, I could make that heart painting." Simple as that. Once I had the blank canvas sitting around I had to get started. Took me a couple of days to lay down a good base coat. Once I had an even brown tone I took a pencil and sketched in a heart shape. Sound difficult yet? No, okay this is the interesting part. Next, I broke out the tub and tile caulk and laid down a flat base over the heart shape. Let it dry a couple of days and then started layering on the texture. Once that dried, twenty four hours give or take a few, I sprayed over the caulk with gold spray paint. That took about 5 minutes to dry. Then the final touch...two or three coats of red on the interior of the heart and...voila...it is done.

This may not be everyone's taste, but I love it. I love the texture. I love the contrast in colors. I love the simplicity. I simply heart my heart painting. This one is for Ryan and Rich. There's a part of me that says, "Gee, I hope they don't want it so I can keep it." But really, I hope that they love it as much as I do. I can make another for me!

Eat your heart out!!

Thank you, Quest...

As most/all of you know, I retired in May 2008 after thirty years in education. I taught middle school in Dallas for two years. I taught 6th grade one year at a private Christian school and then I taught high school for ten years. After that, I moved into educational administration. I spent the next sixteen years as a campus level administrator. When I retired I was quite literally burned out. I spent so much time in meetings, paperwork, working with data, planning for testing, testing, etc., that I simply lost my passion for education. It was a job.

Now, however, I have my passion back. Shortly after I retired I decided I still wanted to work and so, going with what I know, I returned to the classroom. Teaching. My first love. Shortly after I started subbing I got a call to sub at the alternative school in Rockwall. That one time is all it took. I work almost exclusively at the alternative school. Troubled kids...or kids in trouble. Doesn't matter. Some are 16 and some are 20. Doesn't matter. What matters is that for the first time in a long time I feel that I am making a difference. I work mostly one-on-one with young men and women who are anywhere from 1/2 to 2 credits short of graduation. My job...get them through by May. I have one 20 year old that I have gotten through Economics, English IV and now, we will finish his last course, government, at the end of this week. Woohoo! Way to go, Tony! I'm so very proud of you!! Another student that I began working with this week, Julio, is in a credit recovery program. I worked with him one day and we finished five units and the first semester of World Geography. He was so sweet and so appreciative. It doesn't take much of that to stroke your ego which in turn fuels your passion. I think, "If I wasn't here...making time for these kids...how would their lives be different?" I wonder how mine would be different as well. It's good to have my passion back!

The principal at the alternative school, which is called Quest, is a jewel. She and I worked together when we both taught high school in Rockwall. Many years ago. She is so good to me...maybe too good to me. She treats me as a peer rather than as a "lowly temporary employee." She talks to me about things that matter. She gives me all the leeway that I could possibly want in my working situation. This week, when my personal problems with my dad surfaced, Sherry didn't ask any questions other than to ask what I needed. I was nearly two hours late to work, it was obvious from my swollen eyes that I had been crying, and I was pretty shaken. When I walked in Sherry simply took me into her office, closed the door, sat beside me and asked, "What can I do to help you?" She listened to my brief description of the morning. She asked if I needed to go home. More importantly, when I said, "Sherry, I need this. I need to be here. I need to be doing something productive," she trusted me. She knew that regardless of my personal issues I would not do anything to have a negative impact on the students. I appreciate her trust.

Apparently I am one of those people who wears my feelings on my face. I am usually a happy, smiling person who greets everyone with a grin and engages them in conversation. I am a people person. I love people. Tuesday, it must have been apparent that I wasn't having the best of days. Numerous people stopped me to ask if I was okay and wouldn't take the generic, "I'm fine," as a final answer. They care about me. They reached out to me. They hugged me. They checked on me all day. They are precious.

So, for my Quest family I made a cake. Food is always a good way to say, "Thank you." This was my second attempt at working with fondant and it turned out better than the first. Not perfect, but better. At least this time the fondant covered the whole cake ::snicker:: I had fun making it and hopefully they will have fun eating it. Quest family...I love you. Thanks for welcoming me into your inner circle and letting me share the passion of teaching and the joy of your friendship.

Oh, yeah. Enjoy the cake!!

Dark Chocolate Fudge Cake with Brownie piping and Chocolate Dipped Strawberries

The Final Straw...the Sequel

My last post, The Final Straw, detailed my dad's struggle with alcoholism and how we were struggling with it as a family. On Tuesday he announced his intentions to move out since we wouldn't let him drink. This was after a five day drunken binge. I finally told him, "Do it. You will not continue to drink and live here. I can't handle it anymore." Thus the morning ended in anger, frustration and tears.

Scene 2: Ronnie had ball games to call Tuesday afternoon/evening and I had dinner plans with friends. In the meantime, I went shopping after work...partly because there were things I needed...partly to avoid going home. I just didn't want to deal with Daddy after the morning that we'd had. When I got home about 8:00 Daddy came out of his trailer and met me at my car. He said, "Sis, can I stay if I make some changes?" Keep in mind that moving out was HIS idea...not mine. I said, "Sure, under the following conditions...there will be no more drinking. Not here. Not at a restaurant. Not anywhere at any time. Period. Secondly, you will go to Alcoholics Anonymous to get help because you can't do it alone and apparently we are not enough help for you." Imagine my shock and surprise when he said, "Okay." And to totally knock me off my feet he said, "And I won't spend the night in the trailer anymore. I will come in the house to sleep."

I told Daddy that I would go to AA with him...at least the first time. How does someone work and go to AA? The meetings in Rockwall are at 2:00 p.m. every day. That's the ONLY time. Guess I will take a day off and take my Dad to AA next week. It's a start. Wish us well and pray for us. This is a battle he will fight every day for the rest of his life. If he is honest and gives it his best Ronnie and I will be right there fighting with him and for him. The light at the end of the tunnel is a pinpoint...but it's a light!

The Final Straw...

My friend, Ron Travis, lost his dad this weekend. I lost mine this morning...though not in the same way. Ron's dad died. Mine chose an alcoholic's life and drunken binges over a relationship with a loving family. Make no mistake, Ronnie and I love him dearly. He is the only remaining member of my birth family...my connection to little Carolyn Goines. But I don't like or respect the man who has been on a drunken binge for the last week in his trailer behind my home. This same man who has done this to me on three other occasions and each time promised it will never happen again. Enough.

I don't like issuing ultimatums and in fact, did not tell him he had to move. He said, "I'm gonna move my trailer." I said, "That's fine. Your choices are to either QUIT DRINKING PERIOD or move. When you do, know that you are choosing alcohol over a relationship with your daughter." We have offered him help, I have cooked his meals, I have literally washed shit out of his underwear because when he drinks he loses control of his bowels, I have done his laundry, his shopping, everything. I have practically been a surrogate wife. I have been the caregiver of a child. I'm not asking for a pat on the back. I am doing what I have WANTED to do...what I feel is every child's obligation to a sick or aging parent. Daddy, on the other hand, feels that it is his right to ignore us completely and treat us to lies and disrespect when he is drinking. This time, to keep him from sneaking in the house while we are gone in an effort to avoid us, we disconnected the power to the garage door. He doesn't have a key to the house and he can't lift the door. We put the code on the door specifically for him to have access to the house whenever he wanted it. He used it as a method to avoid us when he knew that we would know he had been drinking. As long as we can't "prove" it he feels like he can lie his way around anything. Daddy started drinking last Thursday night. Today is Tuesday. During that time he snuck in the house for a shower on Friday afternoon but his behavior gave him away and I asked him about it over the phone on Friday. He denied drinking, though I knew differently. We were home most of the day Saturday...but even while gone he still had access. We were home all day Sunday but he couldn't come in because he was passed out drunk...and we were home. He tried to come in Monday night while we were gone but by then we had disconnected the power. This morning he had the nerve to stand in my kitchen and tell me that he hadn't eaten in three days because we locked him out of the house and he couldn't get to his food or medicine. I told him he was a liar. He hadn't eaten in three days because he had been passed out drunk. When we told him the timeframe on disconnecting the power he didn't have any comments. Yet, he will tell his girlfriend, my cousin, and anyone else who will listen that we made him move and that we locked him out and he couldn't get to his food or medicine for three days. I know he will. I am making some preemptive phone calls today.

I can't do it anymore. I feel like a hypocrite. My brother, Bob, was an alcoholic. There is a long line of them in the Goines family. I watched my brother in his last months become a debilitated old man. I watch him turn golden yellow a week before his death when his liver stopped. I watched him his last three days after his stroke and when he struggled for every breath he took. I was forced to make the decision to remove him from the ventilator. I was forced to make the decision to move him from ICU where he was taking up a bed for a patient who had a chance at recovery. We moved him to a quiet room at the very end of a hall and sat with him his last ten hours as we watched his breathing get slower and slower and finally just stop. I wondered at the time why Daddy wasn't there EVERY day, like I was. I wondered why he didn't drop everything and rush to the hospital when I called him and told him that Bob was having hallucinations and was fearful that Daddy was being hurt by some men that were chasing them. I wondered but I didn't press. Now I know. Daddy was angry at Bob. He told any and all about the effects of Bob's drinking and disparaged Bob for being an alcoholic. All the time Daddy was sleeping with a bottle of whiskey by his bed and would wake during the night and take sips. It's a pot and kettle thing. When Bob died, my heart broke into a million pieces because it was all so unnecessary. It was...stupid. It was useless. It was futile...and I was impotent...unable to do anything to "fix" the problem. I am, by nature, a fixer. I couldn't fix Bob, and I can't fix my dad. I can't fix it that a relationship with me, Ronnie, Kristin, Scott, Ryan, Richard, Trenton and Carter isn't enough. I can't fix it that a relationship with Glen and Carlene, my BIL and SIL isn't enough though they have adopted him as if he was their dad. I can't fix it that I have always come in last in the Bob and Carolyn race. He wants to die. He wants to drink himself to death. He wants to "go be with Mom and Bob." He does not care what it is doing to me, though he says it does. I am in the way.

No, this is not a pity party. I am not asking for understanding. I am not asking for any taking of sides. I am not asking for anything, I don't guess...maybe prayers for strength? I am just venting and reasoning things out in my head while my heart shatters. I want my Daddy. I don't want Luther Goines, the man who refuses to love me. I want my Daddy, though it seems he doesn't want me.

Why is it that we want most the things which we cannot have? Riddle me that, Batman, because I sure as hell don't understand. And I'm hurt. And I'm mad. And I just want to wrap myself in a blanket and go to bed and sleep for a thousand years...except there are people I love that and I could never in a million years do that to...because I know what it feels like to be shut out. And I am done with this. I will do what must be done and manage the guilt later...I hope.

Lights...Camera...Action

Today was opening day for the Texas Rangers. Traditionally my daughter, son-in-law and a large group of their friends arrive at the stadium about 9 a.m. and tailgate before and then after the game. They cook out, the play games, they drink beer...they have a good time.

Since Ron and I are the only ones who have ever kept the g'sons, we make a day of opening day as well...just in a different way. I got up at 5:15 this a.m. to drive to Plano so the grown kids could get on their way. Trenton went off with them and they dropped him off at school on the way. My task was to take care of Carter...feed him, dress him, play with him, and enjoy him. I also had to pick Trenton up at 2:45 when he got out of school and keep both boys until their parents returned home about 7 p.m. Today, Ronnie was SUPPOSED to have an appointment with his cardiologist. Don't know what the mix-up was but the doctor wasn't even in today and his appointment didn't get changed. Whatever. About 11:00 Ronnie showed up to bring us lunch and stay and play with the boys. That's where the fun began.

Carter took a two hour nap from 11:00 - 1:00 so when he got up he was in a terrific mood. He was all smiles and giggly and ready to play. His lunch, a Sonic grilled cheese and fries, by this time was two hours old...but he didn't care. While Carter ate and played with his food and his Popaw, I remembered my camera. Getting it from my purse I snapped a few dozen pictures of the boy eating. He must have gotten a bit put out with me because at one point I got "the brow."


After some face-smashing with the grilled cheese, I remembered that my little camera has a video mode so I just happened to turn it on and got the following...


I laughed so hard I nearly peed on myself. Carter was speaking Japanese and then this gigantic belch eminated from this tiny little body with no obvious effort. Of course, he didn't understand why we were laughing so he just stared at us. Every time I watch the video I giggle like a little girl. It's just funny.

After Bubba (Trenton) got home we took some pictures playing outside. As we walked home Trenton got a snow cone and made a couple of wishes on a dandelion. Popaw and Trenton played a little baseball, Trenton played with a rolly-polly, and Carter just played. All in all, it was a great day!

Trenton's Dandelion Wish...hope it comes true!


More Fun...

Happy Easter Everybunny!!

I can't believe it is Easter already! Seems like the school year just started (I sub) and now we are at Easter break. It's been eleven months since our train trip to the northeast for our 30th anniversary?? We are approaching 31??? How can that be? How can time, which drags so slowly when it's just a yucky or ordinary day, be so devious as to slip by so quickly. Must happen in your sleep...but then again, I don't really sleep that well or that much so....??

What has been happening in my life? Maybe if I can catalog some things that have happened in the last year I will realize that time isn't really dashing by...it's just being filled up. Let's see...

June: Trenton's birthday. That was significant. Okay, well, that's June.

July: July 4th. We had a pool and game party at the house. Oh yeah, that started the marathon garage sales every week for four weeks at my dad's house. Thought that would never end. Fourteen to sixteen hour days Friday, Saturday and Sunday for three weeks in weather that was just ridiculously hot. Had to put up a canopy to stay out of the sun and keep a fan blowing on us to keep from overheating. That's also the time in which Kristin and her family decided to share their virus with us and I ended up tossing my cookies all over the restroom in my dad's attorney's office. Fun.

August: Daddy moved his trailer in and began living with us. School started.

September: Daddy in the hospital. Ronnie, Richard, and Ryan had a birthday and we had a party at the house. I worked nearly every day. A blur.

October: Ronnie was in the midst of football season and I worked nearly every day. Daddy was in the hospital for a broken arm he earned during a drunken fall in his trailer. I was in training for "the walk." I also worked nearly every day.

November: I walked in the Breast Cancer 60 mile three day walk event and broke my foot. Daddy was in rehab. Thanksgiving came and went. I missed Carter's birthday party because of the walk.::sad face:: My walking came to an abrupt end...hard to do on crutches and in a fracture boot. But I kept working.

December: A blur because of Christmas, decorating, shopping, cooking, working, etc.

January: Scott's birthday. Can't think of much else...Oh, yea. I worked every day.

February: Valentine's "no big deal" day. Didn't get each other anything. Kept Carter for six days because Trenton was very sick with strep among other things. It snowed...boy did it snow. Made snow ice cream for the first time in ___ years. Can't remember how long. Met with my girlfriends for a long weekend. Hadn't seen them in three years. Worked every day except the snow holidays.

March: Spring Break. I broke out the annual bout with poison ivy. It's tradition apparently. Got together with the girlfriends again. This time I hosted it. Continued to work almost full time at Quest. Battling still with the broken foot which has not healed and now taking "drugs" for the poison ivy. NOT taking allergy shots because of the poison ivy. Can't breathe. Kristin's birthday which we still haven't celebrated with her because we gave Scott and Kristin their gifts (money toward a new kitchen floor) in February...halfway between their respective big days.

April: Here we are in April. I continue to work every available work day. I am still battling the gimpy foot. And,::insert dramatic pause music::, I have begun taking a steriod dose pack. The PI isn't going away...chills and then reasserts itself. Seems I am one of those lucky few that it gets in my blood stream. As long as it is suppressed it seems that it's getting better, but when the meds taper off the PI comes screaming back at me. Along with that is the ridiculous hunger where I would eat wallpaper if I could get it off the wall, I tackle ambitious projects like the bunny cake below (usually in the middle of the night because I can't sleep), and I spend a buttload of money! Yep, it's that time of year again. Well, I have a t-shirt that needs to be painted and a painting (a suprise for Ryan's and Richard's home unless they read it on the blog first) that I have to get started on. Then there is the top of the cedar chest that needs to be sanded and revarnished and then my BIL's child-sized rolltop desk that I am stripping and refinishing. Gotta get those things out of the middle of the garage floor so that I can park my car in there again. After all, the rainy season approaches. Then there's the middle bedroom/office closet that needs to be cleaned out and donations set aside and....Better get started before I use up the steroid dose pack and am left with "things to do and no energy with which to do them."

Seems like the only recurring theme I found is that I am working nearly every day. Can't help it. I am enjoying my job...basically working one-on-one with seniors in an alternative education setting helping them get finished with coursework so that they can graduate in May. Feel like I am making a difference and that makes it fun. Still, with all that, I have concurred that time is devilishly slipping by at an alarming rate and it's not all in my imagination.

That said,...

Happy Easter to all and to all a good night!