Where the broken heart still beats...

I got my heart broken tonight...again.

I am 55 years old. I should have known better. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. Maybe I trust too much. Any way you look at it, I feel disappointed to the very center of my soul.

As I write this my 81 year old father is sitting out in his trailer drunk. Yes, he's started drinking again. He left home yesterday to run some errands and when he came back he went to his trailer rather than coming inside. He called later in the evening to say that he was just going to spend the night in his trailer rather than come inside. I should have known then. I didn't. I trusted.

After going all day without seeing or hearing from him I called him. No answer. I called again. No answer. I went out there. When I knocked on the door he said, "Let me get some clothes on." I stood outside in the cold another 5 minutes before I just opened the door and went in. There on the table was the tell-tell plastic cup with the straw in it. When I said, "What are you drinking?" he said it was beer. Could have been. I suspect it was really wine. That's the way he drinks it...in a plastic cup with a straw. I don't really care what he was drinking. He was drunk. When I said, "You're drunk" he just looked at me...that stupid drunken stare when they are trying to process what you said and can't quite get a handle on it or how to respond. It makes you want to slap the crap out of them. He went on to start crying saying, "I've got things on my mind." That's what he always says but he never quite tells you what these things are. Needless to say, I am not feeling as sympathetic about this after then tenth time of hearing it. When I said, "Who doesn't? We all have things on our mind but you don't see us sitting around drinking ourselves to death" his response was, "I'm ready to blow my fuckin' brains out." I said, "I'm not listening to this" and I turned and walked out.

I don't know what else to do. I understand his need for his own "space." We have that need as well. I do all his laundry. I literally wash the shit out of his underwear because he doesn't have good bowel control. I change his sheets and keep his room neat. I fix his meals and make sure that he eats to keep his strength up. Ronnie takes care of all his trailer needs such as water, emptying the tank, waterproofing it, etc. We have done everything we can to make him feel that our home is his home. I have even helped the man take his shower when his arm was in a cast from his last drunken episode. We have included him in our social circle to make sure that he has activities and friends. We have even booked a cruise to be taken in January because he has never been on one and we want to share that experience with him. In essence, we have done everything we can think of to let him know that we love him, we want him with us, and we enjoy having him around. Ronnie lost his dad when he was 9. While his stepdad has always been good to him, he didn't "do things" with him. Ronnie has enjoyed doing things with Daddy. I have enjoyed getting up and having coffee with him in the mornings. It gives us a special private time to visit.

I know that the holidays were somewhat sad for Daddy. My mom has been gone five years now and my brother has been gone almost three years. Trust me, I know that he misses them. I lost them, too. I miss them, too. But I am not about to let something that I can't change ruin the time that I have with the people I still have with me. I'm not going to alienate the people who care the most about me.

So, what now? What do I do? I am totally at a loss and my heart hurts. I'm a fixer and I can't fix this.