Just wondering....

As we approach Mother's Day 2011, I find myself moody, weepy, frustrated and just out of sorts in general. I have to wonder why.

My mother left this earth for Heaven early in the morning on October 5, 2004. It was a cool, crisp Tuesday morning. At the time I got the call from my dad I felt an immense sense of relief. I know that sounds strange. Cold, even. Not so. My mom had suffered...literally SUFFERED with Alzheimer's for several years. She had deteriorated to the point that she didn't recognize her husband and children. She asked me one day, "Now, whose kid are you?" When I told her that I was her daughter, she said, "Then I guess I have three kids. Robert, Bobby and you." It broke my heart as I explained to her that Robert and Bobby were the same person and he was her oldest. I was her youngest. Only two of us.

Mom was fearful pretty much all of the time. There was one occasion where she tried to jump from the car on LBJ because Daddy wouldn't take her home. Home was with her parents in Mesquite and she was going to be in trouble with her Daddy for being out with a boy. Needless to say, my grandparents had been Heaven inhabitants for years by that time. Mom was in a never ending quest to go home, but home wasn't the home she had shared with my Dad for 56 years. It was the home of her youth.

So, you see, the first reaction of relief was because I knew that mom had finally found peace. She was home. Home with her parents and siblings that had gone on before. She was no longer confused or afraid. She was safe and secure in her home surrounded by people she both knew and loved.

Seven years have elapsed since my mom went home. Since that time my brother has joined her. Make no mistake, I know that my mom is happy in Heaven. She wouldn't trade her current status to come back to us for anything in the world! So, why am I so sad? Bottom line: I so miss my mom. Maybe it's because it's been so long. Maybe it's because she didn't recognize me in the end. Maybe it's because I'm a mom. Maybe it's because I'm currently recovering from a serious auto accident and my meds have all of my body chemistry out of whack. Maybe it's all those things. I don't know. I just know that I am so very sad and wish that just one more time I could hold my mom's hand and tell her that I love her.

Mom & Daddy:1949


Mom & Bob


I'm sure that she knows. But for my sake I need to say it.

"Mom: I love you. I miss you. I didn't appreciate you nearly enough while you were with us. Thank you for who you were. Thank you for teaching me how to be a mom. Thank you for loving me when I know I was unlovable. I know that I will see you and be with you again. But for now, I miss you so very much. Give my love to Bob, Mama Whatley, Dad Whatley, Aunt Mary and Aunt Dorothy and all the aunts and uncles. Happy Mother's Day. I love you!"