Mama always said, "Stupid is as stupid does" (F. Gump)...and that would make me...wait for it...STUPID!

Nobody is any harder on me than I am on myself. It's a given. I have absolutely no patience for my own imperfections while I am forgiving of everyone else's. No, I don't think I'm perfect. I know that, for example, I have the memory of a drunken gnat. I hate that. It pisses me off. I know that I am somewhat OCD. I accept those issues, I'm just not tolerant of them. It is for that reason that I...wait, let me retrace some steps..

On Saturday, Feb. 16, 2011, I was invited by my friend and colleague, to attend a movie marathon in which we would see five of the Academy Award nominated movies. It was SUCH FUN! I made it through the first four movies and said, "You know, I'm really not looking forward to this last one and may not stay to the end." It was, The Fighter, with Mark Wahlberg. I thought it would be bloody and "Rockyish." I was wrong. When the movie was over I turned to my friend, Joyce, to say, "You know, that was WAY better than I expected...and nothing came out." Sometime during 90 minutes in a darkened theater I was viciously attacked by laryngitis...WITH NO WARNING! No coughing. No sore throat...to speak of. Nothing! Since that date I have not had one single day when I was not sick. No, not even one. The laryngitis hung on for almost 2 weeks. I went the doctor, got a shot...got a Medrol dosepak...got a Z-pak. It took a while but I got better. Not well, just better. Just when things were improving to the point of almost well, I started with this tickle in my chest. I coughed. It got worse. I coughed more. Soon I was coughing in fits and spasms multiple times throughout the day...and night. I went back to the doctor. I received 4 prescriptions and the assurance that I would be better in no time at all. That was last Thursday, March 24 (which was, coincidentally, my daughter's 30th birthday). It was also the day my dad was hospitalized...again...for congestive heart failure, COPD, etc. I faithfully took my medicine with no improvement at all. And then...

Last night, March 27th, I started coughing at about 11:00 p.m. and coughed constantly until well after 1:00 a.m. I could not lie down. I could not breath. I coughed until it felt like the top of my head was going to shoot off into the stratosphere. I had such a headache from coughing that all I could do was cry...which made the coughing worse. Finally I moved into a recliner in the living room where I could sit up and used my inhaler and prayed for sleep...which finally settled itself upon me. I pondered going back to the doctor (told you I was stupid...should I have even had to think about it?)

Today I got up and went to work, as normal. I had a dental appointment for a routine cleaning which had to be interrupted several times while I barked and hacked and coughed and cursed and griped and bitched and moaned and...you get the idea. I can't impress on you how bad this cough is. It reaches into the depths of my soul and starts ripping at my innards. I sound like a lonely seal in heat...barking uselessly for a mate that is frightened off by the rumble I am issuing from my lungs. Anyhoo, after the dentist, I was the chosen one to make a run to Target for a baby shower gift for a work colleague. Strolling through the baby items, I entered a row with the cute little onesies. The clerk working the other end of the aisle smiled at me and continue working...until I began my machine gun staccato blast of barks. I coughed so hard and long that I had to bend over in an effort to get my breath. My reading glasses fell to the floor, my face turned blood red and I barked and gasped. The poor clerk ran at me like she was going to tackle me and began hitting me on the back while blabbering,"WhatcanIdotohelp?ShouldIcallanambulance?Hasthishappenedbefore?Janice(or whatever her name was)tosecurityIhaveacustomerwhocan'tbreatheIthinkweneedanambulance." I am frantically trying to catch my breath while waving her off. OMG! An ambulance. I would die from the sheer embarrassment!! Besides, I had to get the gift back to work for the show after school! PRIORITIES!! Finally I caught my breath and was able to assure her that it was "chronic bronchitis" and I would be okay. I did notice, however, that as I continued through the store in other departments (gift wrap, dollar spot, etc.) that "Janice" managed to put in an appearance in my peripheral vision. Not OBVIOUSLY checking on me...just happening to be needed in the same area that I was shopping. Needless to say, as I was walking out the door I was dialing my doctor. Miracle of all miracles, I could get in at 2:45.(yeah, right).::insert aside here...I wish to go on record as saying that I detest illnesses that begin with the words "chronic," "severe," and/or "acute."::

I showed up at my appointment promptly at 2:45. I was called into an examining room at 3:15 and finally saw the doctor at 4:20. I was doing my horny seal imitation THE ENTIRE TIME. I was immediately sent for a chest xray (no pneumonia) and told, yet again, that I have "chronic bronchitis" which deviously invited it's friend, "acute sinus infection" to join the party in my respiratory tract. Bastard! I received a breathing treatment and after consultation was prescribed a steroid shot...a steroid tablet to take for 10 day...a nebulizer with a steroid to be used four to six times a day...and an inhaler with a steroid to open my lungs and used twice daily. Time for another digression...

My family and Scurry friends will tellyou that I should...operative word is should...know better than to take a steroid regimen...let alone FOUR of them. One year when I was working in Scurry, my husband and I worked on a play fort we have on our property during spring break. It's a really nice fort...two story...covered...the bottom level is enclosed and is a sand box. It was covered in these "dead" vines and we, in shorts and tank tops, proceeded to pull those "dead" vines off the fort where they were nicely climbing the walls. This was done with our bare hands. The next day...we both had poison ivy. I had never had it before but let me assure you that I never want it again!!!!! I was covered from head to toe. Face, arms, hands, stomach, back, legs, feet! I looked like a leper. I received numerous shots. I was place on 80mgs. of prednisone for over 2 weeks. I missed 11 consecutive days of work and the doctor threatened to put me in the hospital on an IV drip. Every time they tried to wean me from the drug, the poison ivy, which had gotten into my bloodstream, popped back out. Finally it was suppressed enough that they could wean me...then my heart rate jumped to over 200 beats a minute, my blood pressure went through the roof, I babbled incoherently, etc. I must say that while on the steroid, I would sleep 3 to 7 minutes a night (seriously) and feel like I had slept a full night. I ate like a wildebeest and was sooo jumpy inside my skin that I could NOT sit still. My husband got up at 2:00 a.m. one morning and found me stripping wallpaper in the hall bath. I completely renovated that bathroom in half a day...painting, redecorating, caulking, etc. By the time I was off the prednisone there was not a dirty washcloth, a cobweb, or a dust particle to be found in my home. Even after returning to work I was a nut case until that drug was completely out of my system. During that time I hired a teacher who later told me, "I wondered what I was getting into. You didn't ask me one question. You talked non-stop and so fast that I had to sit on the front of my chair to try to keep up with you." ::aside::it was good hire. She turned out to be an excellent teacher. But in summary...

.............STEROIDS ARE NOT, REPEAT, NOT MY FRIENDS!!!!..................................

So, when I went to the doctor today and got a STEROID SHOT, a STEROID INHALER, a STEROID MEDICATION IN MY NEBULIZER, and a prescription for PREDNISONE...what the hell was I thinking? Why did I not remember the weeks of sleepless nights. I have been up not for 21 hours after getting only 4 hours sleep and I am so wide awake that the idea of sleep is not even on the horizon. Why is this happening to me? Surely God isn't telling me it's time to redecorate again! Still...it has been a few years for that bathroom...

Like Forest said, "Stupid is as stupid does and I am just plain stupid!"