Reflections

Today I was once again transported back in time. Throughout the day today I have travelled back to February, 2007. It hasn't been an enjoyable trip. In February, 2007, I was working as principal at Scurry-Rosser Elementary. I remember that on February 14th, Valentine's Day, my dad called me around lunch time. He was upset...crying. The back story here is that my brother, Bob, had driven up on December 19th to pick daddy up to spend Christmas with him in east Texas. He spent the night with Daddy and when he got up the next morning his skin was yellow. That began a cycle of doctor visits, emergency room visits, and frantic efforts to figure out what was going on. Needless to say, they never went to East Texas and Bob never left Daddy's house. One specialist found a lesion on Bob's liver and suspected liver cancer. He was in the process of scheduling a biopsy when I got that call from my dad. Bob couldn't get out of bed...couldn't walk...had no balance and could barely put words together to form a short sentence. I told Daddy to call an ambulance and I would meet him at the house. I rushed out of work and raced to my dad's house getting there only shortly after the ambulance. The paramedics helped get Bob dressed and then put him in the ambulance. Daddy and I followed. I remember that trip as if I just got out of the car. In the ER we were informed that Bob would be hospitalized. The next days were a blur as I went daily to the hospital after work and watched my brother digress into paranoia and hallucinations. His liver had shut down and toxins were building up and poisoning him. Then on the 19th I received a call from Bob's doctor asking me to come to the hospital. I left work and drove to the hospital in time to visit with the doctor. She was just coming out of Bob's room and informed me that she was moving him to ICU. He was in a coma. I think I knew then that he would not recover, but I couldn't admit that...not even to myself. Once in ICU a male nurse came in to evaluate Bob and off-handedly remarked, "His pupils are blown." I was shocked. I remember almost shouting, "What do you mean?" He misunderstood, but explained, "It means he has had a stroke. He's not in pain, though." By this point Bob's breathing was very labored. I stayed as late as they would let me stay and was back early the next morning. My intention was to stay at the hospital overnight but they would not allow that so about 7:00 we left and I took Daddy home. I went to bed with the intention of being at the hospital early again the next day, but at 11:00 pm a doctor in ICU called me and told me that I needed to come back to the hospital if I wanted to be with Bob "at the end." Jumped out of bed, dressed and raced back to the hospital and sat vigil with Bob until shortly after 6:00 a.m. when his breathing slowed and then finally stopped. He was gone. Even today, though my memory of most of those events is crystal clear, I still find myself disbelieving that my brother is gone. How can that be? He was my brother! He was only 58 years old! Each year on Feb. 21st, I relive those days leading up to my brother's passing. Not by choice but by default. The good of that is that for a few moments I have my brother back and I can tell him I love him. I can give him a hug. But then, the inevitable happens. I lose him all over again. And let me assure you...it hurts every damn time.

How much can you cram into a weekend?

"You picked a great time not to answer your phone." That was the message I heard when I checked my voicemail. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I was scheduled to work January 14-17 and was planning for a much needed day off on Friday the 18th. You know what they say about "the best laid plans of mice and men..." I worked on Monday, the 14th. I worked on Tuesday the 15th. No big deal either day, but on the way home from work Tuesday I literally pulled to the side of the road and sat for a few minutes. Had to. I was so stinkin' dizzy and it just wouldn't pass. When it finally let up...after 3 or 4 minutes...I drove home. Checked my blood pressure because I hadn't taken my medication. Blood pressure was fine. So I sat in the recliner and tried to relax. Then my head started hurting...and kept getting worse. Then my ears stopped up. So, I knew that the old sinus cavities were stopping up and fluid was backing up in the ears. I went to bed as soon as I could and it got worse during the night. I called in sick to work the next morning. I basically sat around all day Wednesday feeling miserable so I let them know that I would not be at work on Thursday either. Hubby got me some Robitussin and I started guzzling it. Wednesday night I drank a big swig of Nyquil and went to bed. Slept great, but when my phone rang on Thursday morning I assumed it was someone trying to find a sub so I didn't answer it. Uh...WRONG! When Ronnie's phone rang immediately after mine I knew it was someone needing to get in touch with us. He answered and it was our daughter, Kristin. She had gone to the doctor for her final sonogram and was sent straight to the hospital where they planned to induce labor. She needed us to pick up her other two boys and bring them to the hospital. So we hopped out of bed, quickly dressed and then drove to Plano where we picked up first Carter and then Trenton. We drove to the hospital in Frisco and the waiting began.

We took the boys for lunch and then watched them play in the playroom until we got a text from our son-in-law at 5:55 pm saying that the baby was here. A few minutes later I got a text introducing us to our newest grandson, Tanner McMahen Durbin. Trenton, our oldest, teared up when he saw the picture of his new baby brother. I have never seen a kid so excited and eager to meet a sibling! I don't think Carter really understood exactly how his life was changing.

When we got back to meet Tanner Trenton was like a kid in a candy store. Carter thought it was "cool" but immediately asked, "What happens if you poke him?" There was a moment of stunned silence and then we all burst out laughing. Kristin laughed so hard that she jiggled the baby, who then began squirming and snorting.

We visited for a while, Popaw and I held Tanner for a minute, and then we took the two older boys and headed to our house. It wasn't until we got home that the dizziness resurface. I guess that in the excitement of the day my sinuses cooperated and let me enjoy the day and my boys. On Friday I got up and took the boys back to the hospital. Kristin wanted Trenton to enjoy some time with his baby brother before he went to spend the weekend with his dad. Trenton had a blast just holding and looking at Tanner. He started calling him "Little T."

During "quiet hours" at the hospital we took the boys to Gatti Town to play games and eat pizza before returning to the hospital where "Tanner" sent cookies to his big brothers. When Tanner decided it was time to eat, we took Carter and left. Trenton was going home with his dad for the weekend. Saturday we took Carter to his soccer game and then went to the hospital so that we could pick up Kristin's car and get it home for them. We took the car, and Carter, home and waited for them to arrive...which they did within about 30 minutes. We visited, held Tanner again and then headed home. Saturday night we went to the Stars game with some good friends of ours. Opening game of the season and the Stars won. It was a good game. Home and bed sure felt good though. Sunday morning I went to visit my dad and then my older boys, Ryan and Richard, for lunch. Back at home I worked on laundry and putting my house back in order before giving Beau a bath. So...all in all, I think this is probably the busiest weekend I have had in a long time!!!

Wish List...

Here we are over a week into 2013 and all I can think is....where is the time flying off to? Seriously! It seems as if I just decorated the Christmas tree and already we have celebrated the New Year and all the Christmas decor is packed away waiting to be brought out again next year. And I'm guessing that will be here before we know it as well! Speaking of new years jumping out at us....I made a resolution this year that I will no longer make resolutions. What's the point really? I don't ever keep them so why set myself up for failure. So I resolve to no longer resolve! I am, however, "evaluating" myself and my life. I am looking at where I am and where I want to be. That said, I am creating a very fluid wish list...for lack of a better title. It is by no means comprehensive...a work in progress. Therefore, I can update and/or change it at will. Without further ado, here is what I wish for me in 2013: I wish to work less and play more. I wish to begin new traditions that my family will continue long after I have exited this mortal existence. I wish to be more accepting and less judgmental. I wish to laugh at least once every day. I wish to accept the fact that worrying accomplishes nothing and therefore quit worrying. I wish to pray more and complain less. I wish to be more "me" and less of what people expect me to be. I wish that those I love will know, beyond all doubt, how very much I love them. I wish that my actions will speak volumes as to who I am. I wish, that at the end of the day, I may lay my head on my pillow and be content with how I have lived my life that day. I wish that I will learn to value myself and take better care of my health. I wish that people will know what is important to me by seeing how i spend my time. In short, I wish for a "new and improved" me...one that even I am more comfortable with. So, good luck to me...and to you, as well...whatever you "resolve" to do in this new year.

Memories...

I decorated the Christmas tree today. This is an annual event, obviously, so I don't know why I continue to be surprised by my feelings each year. Let me fill in the background... I have dozens of tree ornaments. Far to many to use all of them on the tree. So, what do I do? I sort through them each year while remembering where and/or why I got them, what the special significance of each would be, etc. I choose the ornaments that "speak to me" each year. They are the ones that make it to hang on the tree. There is one ornament...I should say one style of ornament...that makes it every year. I consider it an honor to put these ornaments on my tree. A little back ground is called for here...As most of you know, I was a teacher for many years. Most of my classroom experience was teaching high school history. I had roughly 125 kids a day passing through my classroom. Despite the numbers, I "adopted" my kids and I still come in contact with many of them today. They are teachers, bank managers, sales staff at the place where I buy my tires, restaurant and bar managers, etc. I can usually recognize either their name or their face. I rarely can put the two together. Throughout my teaching career there were students who stood out for some reason or another. There was one that, professionalism aside, was and still is my favorite student of all time...Jana Burks. Jana was in my US History class. She made me smile, if not laugh out loud, every single day. She had a quick wit, a kind heart, and a brain that she wasn't afraid to use. I trusted Jana...even loved her. Still do, as a matter of fact. I even hired Jana to babysit for us when my kids were small. That's how much I trusted her! Jana talked to me. She told me things she wouldn't tell her girlfriends...things like how much she "loved" that particular boy who didn't even know she was alive. She shared her dreams...she wanted to be a teacher. She talked about how lucky she was to have the family she had since she was adopted. She just talked. I believe she loved and trusted me, too. Fast forward several years to 1994. I was sitting in a photo studio waiting to pick up our family portraits. There was a portrait on display of Jana in her wedding gown taken a couple of years prior. She was absolutely gorgeous! I said something to the photographer about how beautiful she looked and how she was a former student. He asked if I knew she had cancer. My world literally stood still. I remember that moment as if it just happened moments ago. Even as I type this my heart is aching and my eyes are starting to tear. To get to the point, and to spare both you and me the emotional turmoil I am already starting to feel, I got back in touch with Jana. She had been diagnosed with biphasal synovial sarcoma. It's a cancer that strikes in the lining of the body's nerves. She underwent numerous treatments, chemo, radiation, surgery, etc. She would get better...and then worse. Her "husband" (in quotes because, in my opinion, he doesn't deserve the title) left her because he "didn't sign on" for that life. Jana was left to go it alone...or so she thought. She had her mom and dad and her brother. Before all was said and done she also had a community of supporters so big that it defied measure. Somewhere during her ordeal Jana began making these little pasta angels. They were handmade at first just by Jana and they appeared as pins, as ornaments, even as refrigerator magnets. She sold them for $5. It gave her something to do and made her feel useful. One year all of the principals in Lancaster bought them for all of the teachers on our respective staffs. Ronnie helped sell them to officers in Addison. One guy was in a motorcycle club and he bought a bunch of them to sell at meets. We ordered dozens upon dozens of them and sold or gave away almost every one of them. I say "almost" because I still have about a half dozen of the ornaments. And every year they are proudly displayed on my tree. As I put them on the tree I hold them in my hand and remember the beautiful girl that was Jana Burk. I remember how very special she was and how much she impacted not only my life, but that of my family, friends and co-workers. Jana was "the angel girl." She was truly an angel.

Several years ago I got "that" phone call. Jana had lost her battle. It wasn't the cancer that killed her. It was all the damage the cancer drugs had done to her. She had, I was told, multiple organ failure. Today Jana is an "angel girl" in Heaven. I am pleased to say that she did find happiness before giving up this life on earth. She reconnected with someone she had known earlier...a former boyfriend. He knew she had cancer but his love reached beyond that. He and Jana lived out the last of her days as husband and wife. She was at peace with her family...all of them...by her side when she passed. So, each year as I decorate my tree, there is never any question that Jana's angels will be prominently displayed. I am hit with an overwhelming sense of loss. I do, however, eventually find comfort knowing that Jana found peace and happiness and an end to her pain. I find comfort in remembering that beautiful girl with the giggle and grin. I smile at the memory that she was my friend. I am honored by that. So, Godspeed, Jana. Tell Jesus I said "hello!"

Blasting toward a new year...

I can't believe that 2012 is rushing headlong to a conclusion...and so much is happening seemingly all at one time. Since last I posted we had Halloween...a quite night as usual. No one comes out to our world to trick or treat. Apparently not enough houses. Whatever. It was nice to sit at home and enjoy dinner and television but I kinda miss the whole Halloween thing of passing out candy and seeing all the cute costumes. November, thus far, has proven to be quite busy...with no end to the busyness in sight. November 1st I spent the day at Veteran's Hospital with my dad. He finally had the surgery to implant his pacemaker. Actually, most of that time I spent visiting with my Uncle Ed. Daddy was in surgery for two and a half hours so that gave me and Uncle Ed, and my cousin Barbara who dropped by, plenty of time to visit, tell tales, laugh and generally have a good time. Daddy was alert when he went in to surgery and alert when he came out. Seems they used something called conscious sedation. It doesn't knock you out. Daddy actually watched the surgery and interacted with the doctor when needing to. The following day, November 2, I went to Winstar with my son, son-in-law and his sister and boyfriend. Ryan, Yola and Juan went to gamble. They did. Rich and I went to see Olivia Newton John in concert. She was great. I came back home, worked a bit, watched election returns etc. The routine stuff. I had a routine check-up at the doctor's office. Praised for weight loss and blood sugar being down some. Good check-up at the dental office. Love my hygenist. She keeps me laughing with her weird sense of humor. My youngest grandson celebrated his 4th birthday and we attended his party at Bounce U. Great venue and great time!! My birthday on the 15th...no celebration at Bounce U though (LOL!). Actually, my celebration is forthcoming...dinner at Margarita Ranch and tickets to the Gaylord "Merry Madagascar" ice show with my whole family. Attended a baby shower today "opportunities" for December 1st!!! I think I really should consider cloning as an option... ~Cheers!

Falling in love with...fall!

It's truly amazing to me how quickly time is flying by. We are most of the way through October...leaving only weeks until Christmas. In between now and then we have Halloween, Carter's birthday, my birthday, Kristin's baby shower, Thanksgiving and finally we arrive at Christmas. In addition, I have a girlfriend birthday trip to Fredericksburg and a Winstar trip with my boys. Then, of course, there is my dad's heart surgery next week. Geesh! My life is about to get REALLY busy! At least I don't have time to get bored!Lol I absolutely love fall. I love the feel of the change of weather...the beauty of the trees as they change colors, the nip in the air, the smell of campfires (my neighbor burns one almost constantly), the relief from the ridiculous heat in Texas...basically, everything about the season. It triggers some innate "domestic virus" in me and I get this insatiable desire to cook and/or bake. I love the smell of soups in the crock pot, pastries baking in the oven, etc. Couple that with the condensation that forms on windows when the temps outside are colder than the snuggly warmth of the house and I couldn't be more content! My dream day is to awaken to a cold, cloudy dark day, with the house lit by candles, a fire in the fireplace, lounging in my jammies with a good book and a cup of coffee doctored with a bit of Baileys. On this dream day there is a roast in the crock pot and an apple pie in the oven. I read a bit...nap a bit...read a bit more...nap a bit more...well, you get the idea. So, as we approach this holiday season I encourage everyone to slow down and take time to enjoy the fall days and nights. Figure out what you like most about fall (even if it's not your FAVORITE season) and make a point to work that into your life. We're approaching a busy time of year. Make sure that you don't overdo the "busy" and take time for the things...and the people...that are important to you!

Surprise? Only the weather...

On Saturday, October 6, 2012, we saw the fruition of a surprise birthday party that I have been planning since April. My husband, Ronnie, turned 60 this year. That is a milestone that bears recognition. So, recognize it we did. I rented the outdoor pavilion at Harry Myers Park in Rockwall. We had used one of these facilities in June, when it was blistering hot, for my mother's family reunion. It was perfect for our needs so I rented these accommodations knowing that they would be perfect. Then I set to work on the other details...guest list, food, cake, gift, etc. The one thing I guess I should have considered, but didn't, is the weather. Afterall, October is usually a temperate month. Usually is the operative word here. In the week prior to the party the weather was in the 80s and 90s. The sun shone brightly and we continued to use our air conditioning. Then...on Friday evening prior to the next day's party, a cold front blew in. The high on this day was 50 and there were scattered showers and gusting winds. Wouldn't you know it. Regardless of the cold wind being channeled through the pavilion...and the two heaters we brought...and the fire in the grill pit...we partied and had a great time visiting with one another. Good friends and family came out to help us rehash old memories and make new ones. We grilled burgers and had delicious birthday cake. We laughed at Ronnie in his shorts and a jacket and we revealed the special birthday gift...a forthcoming trip to Ireland! Ronnie has always said he would love to go to Ireland...and so he will once we figure out the timing for the trip. Can't wait! In the meantime, a huge HUG to my daughter, Kristin, who took care of designing and mailing the party invitations while I was partying it up on my trip, to my son, Ryan, for figuring out how to get Ronnie to the party (and home again), to my son-in-law, Scott, for his expertise at the grill and to my friend, Brandy for the delightfully Irish themed birthday cake. Hugs, too, to all the friends and family who braved the chill in the air and the threat of rain in order to share in this special day!