It's a struggle...

I'm struggling right now. Internal conflict. Heart versus head. I don't know what to do but it doesn't matter because I can't do anything anyway.

My dad got out of the hospital last week and returned to rehab. He has literally been back at rehab one week...7 days. This morning his nurse, LaToya, called me...against his wishes. She explained to me that both the doctor and the nurse practitioner, as well as she, herself, felt that Daddy needed to go back to the hospital. His pulse oxygen level is very low (85%), his blood pressure is high one minute and incredibly low the next, he has a crackling sound in his lungs, his heart rate is elevated and his respirations are very low...8 per minute. Bottom line...he is in medical crisis and needs more care than they can give him. It could literally be that his life is on the line. So, what's the conflict? Daddy is refusing to go to the hospital.

On the one hand, my head understands this. He is tired. He feels like crap. He can't do anything for himself so he is dependent on someone else for literally everything. He misses my mom. He's told me on many occasions that he is "ready to go see Momma and Bob."

On the other hand, my heart is breaking. Regardless of all that we have been through, he is my dad and I love him and I will never be ready to give him up.

After the nurse called, I called Daddy and begged him to let them take him to the hospital. He refused. He has given up. I truly believe that it is a matter of weeks before Daddy departs this life for one free of pain, breathing difficulty, and where he can walk again. I should be joyful for him. And maybe I am...for him. For me? I feel lost...confused...sad...and just a touch angry.