Amidst Great Joy There is Sorrow...

It's January, 2010. A new year. A fresh start. A new beginning...

On January 23rd we will be leaving for Galveston to take a family cruise. My cousin, Barbara and her husband Benny will be going with us. We are taking my dad and his girlfriend, Lila. We will be heading to the Honduras, Costa Maya and Cozumel/Cancun. Daddy has never been on a cruise before. Neither has Lila. They are both beside themselves with excitement and anticipation. Daddy's travels have been limited to work and military travel. He has been on a ship but it was a military transport when he was 17. Needless to say, this will be quite a different experience. He has been digging out his "cruise clothes" and purchasing things he needs to take (toiletries and such) for weeks. He is...joyful. Or at least he was. His joy has been tempered somewhat.

Tonight when I came home from work I brought pizza for dinner. Daddy was standing in the door of his trailer so I called out to him to get his attention telling him that there was pizza and cinnamon buns for dessert. He said, "Okay" but I could tell it wasn't. I asked the dreaded, "What's wrong?"

Last weekend my Dad spent hours in his trailer calling his brothers and sisters in Oklahoma...just to talk and catch up. He does this every six weeks or so since he got his cell phone with unlimited minutes. He made the comment to me then that Richard, his 89 year old brother, was really the only one he got to talk with for any length of time. One sister was unreachable, one is seriously ill. But Daddy enjoyed his phone visit with Richard.

Today Daddy got word that Richard is not expected to survive the night. Two days ago he got sick, went to the hospital and was diagnosed with double pneumonia. He is lying near death at this point. When Richard is gone Daddy will be the oldest of the surviving children.

I know all the cliches. I know "Richard has lived a long life." I know "God knows what is best." I know that "You don't question God's will or his timing." It's just that Daddy is obviously hurting. I just wish that he had the opportunity to experience the joy of his cruise and travel without the sorrow that comes with losing his brother and without the "in-your-face" realization of his own mortality. My dad has lived a hard life full of poverty and going without. I just want this moment for him.

Fireside Chats...

What a delightful weekend! Laying around a clean house, laundry done, dishwasher loaded, stoking the fire and watching television. Staying in out of the cold. Perhaps some spicy hot cocoa in my very near future while I watch the Cowboys beat the Eagles for the third time this year! Go 'boys!!

Eh??

It's official. I have apparently moved from Texas to Canada. With windchill factors predicted to be between 0 degrees and -10 degrees, I am certain of one thing. It is too danged cold for this to be Texas. Our winters are 60 degrees on a really cold day. We have already seen snow twice this winter...more than in the last DECADE!!

It's okay, though. I can adjust. I will just start drinking pints and saying, "Eh?" all the time. I'm already a hockey fan so...I'm good to go.

Happy 2010...

Last night was the most fun I have had on New Year's Eve in several years. No big "partying." Just good time with friends.

Our usual Thursday night dinner out included the two of us, Glen and Carlene, Tammy and Tony, Daddy and Tony's daughter, Ashley. We went to BJ's at Town East Mall. It's a new restaurant that is a type of microbrewery. It was new and clean and cool. The salsa there is awesome! I would buy it by the bottle if they sold it that way. The food was great and WAY more than we could eat. Jovi, our rotti, was thrilled that we went to eat there. She was the delighted recipient of beer-battered fish and fries. Yum!

After dinner, Tammy and Tony came back to the house. We watched ::shudder:: part of the Three Stooges marathon. I know. Tony and Ronnie. Enough said. After that Tony and Tammy made Mii characters and we started playing Wii. Wow, Tammy, can you spell "competitive?" J/K. It was all in fun and we bowled, played tennis, played shuffleboard, played ski ball, fished and finished the night off with cow races. I love cow races! Laughed my butt off. Tony was frustrated and I suspect that on his way home he stopped off at WalMart to buy a Wii so that he could go home and practice. For my part, I bowled a record high 224 with four strikes in a row and no open frames!

Midnight found us celebrating the new year with mimosas. Tammy had never had one before and was quite impressed. We snacked on cheesecake, apple pie, chocolate chip cookies, chips and queso and popcorn trash accompanied by soft drinks. Daddy called it a night just after 12:30 and at 3:30 Tony decided that it was WAY past his bedtime so he headed out. Tammy was spending the night. I took a quick 5 minutes to clean up the kitchen and put the food away and then off to bed at 4:00 a.m. It has been a long time since I have been up that late on purpose. Needless to say, it wasn't an early morning for us. I got up about 10:15, which I thought was pretty good. By 12:30 I was ready and took a 2 hour nap. Chloe, our kitty...or should I say, MY kitty...thought all this was stuff and nonsense and she tried to sleep her way through all of it.

Not a bad start to the new year. Tomorrow we have a Stars game and then it's back to normal life next week...you know, work and stuff. As for me, not making any resolutions this year. I have grown to think that whole scene is somewhat ridiculous. There's nothing magic about a desire expressed on January 1. Whatever. If I made any resolutions they would be the same ones I had last year that I didn't live up to, so what's the point? No resolutions = no guilt!

I do hope to be more current and informative with my blog posts. That's not a resolution...just a hope.

My other hope, that all will find joy, peace and health in 2010! God bless you all!!

A Trenton kind of Christmas...

It's a holiday tradition...which has become the highlight of my Christmas.

When our kids were little we would take them to the dollar store at Town East each Christmas and let them pick out Christmas gifts for Grannie and Papaw, Uncle Bob and Cassandra and Ronnie and me. Ronnie would take in one child to shop and then I would take in the other child to shop. After that we would switch and take the other child in to shop for the other parent. Sounds confusing, I know, but we had it down to a science and the kids left the store with bags full of gifts for less than $20. They loved shopping for their own personal gift-giving and we always got a kick out of the gift we received. Many of mine remain on display in my curio cabinet to this day.

Kristin has continued that tradition with Trenton. Each holiday season she takes him to a dollar store and allows him to pick out a gift for each of us. In the past gifts have ranged everywhere from birdseed to puzzle books. He always has a rationale for his gifts...that's what makes them so funny. This year I joined in on the other end and took him shopping for mommy since he can't buy for her when she is with him.

For some reason, my gifts always seem to make sense. He really knows me and the things that I do/enjoy. In the past I have gotten things like a crossword puzzle book (he's seen me working sudoku puzzles), Christmas decorations (I love for each room of the house to have at least a little Christmas decoration) and a stuffed Christmas reindeer that worked its way into hanging from a lamp this year. One year I got cereal bowls with built in straws that we still use to this day. Yes, my gifts seem to always make sense. Others, not so much.

Ryan has been the recipient of a bag of birdseed and reindeer antlers. Ronnie once received a ceramic Indian style vase that could easily serve as a bong. Kristin gets to enjoy his rationale when he is making his purchases but then neither can remember what he had in mind at the time so it makes it that much funnier.

This year was no exception...except that most of the gifts...most...made more sense. I offer the following into evidence...

Uncle Ryan, a new home owner, received gardening gloves.


Papaw, who writes everything down, received a spiral notebook.


Scott,who knows why, received a bag of fish shaped chip clips.


Richard received a pair of silver sunglasses. His sunglasses from Trenton last year were blue. What is it with Richard needing sunglasses?


I received a green nylon waterproof bag with an outside pocket that is a perfect fit for my new Kindle reader.

Kristin received a plastic wineglass with a Christmas tree decoration (because she likes Christmas trees) and a ceramic dog with a blue Christmas hat (because blue is her favorite color).


Ronnie received a plastic ax. The Viking kind of ax that you would use if you pillage and plunder. Not sure he's going to be pillaging and plundering any time soon but he is certainly prepared if he decides to do so.


As Trenton grows older and his gifts begin to make more sense I am left to wonder how Carter will see us when he goes Christmas shopping????

Where the broken heart still beats...

I got my heart broken tonight...again.

I am 55 years old. I should have known better. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. Maybe I trust too much. Any way you look at it, I feel disappointed to the very center of my soul.

As I write this my 81 year old father is sitting out in his trailer drunk. Yes, he's started drinking again. He left home yesterday to run some errands and when he came back he went to his trailer rather than coming inside. He called later in the evening to say that he was just going to spend the night in his trailer rather than come inside. I should have known then. I didn't. I trusted.

After going all day without seeing or hearing from him I called him. No answer. I called again. No answer. I went out there. When I knocked on the door he said, "Let me get some clothes on." I stood outside in the cold another 5 minutes before I just opened the door and went in. There on the table was the tell-tell plastic cup with the straw in it. When I said, "What are you drinking?" he said it was beer. Could have been. I suspect it was really wine. That's the way he drinks it...in a plastic cup with a straw. I don't really care what he was drinking. He was drunk. When I said, "You're drunk" he just looked at me...that stupid drunken stare when they are trying to process what you said and can't quite get a handle on it or how to respond. It makes you want to slap the crap out of them. He went on to start crying saying, "I've got things on my mind." That's what he always says but he never quite tells you what these things are. Needless to say, I am not feeling as sympathetic about this after then tenth time of hearing it. When I said, "Who doesn't? We all have things on our mind but you don't see us sitting around drinking ourselves to death" his response was, "I'm ready to blow my fuckin' brains out." I said, "I'm not listening to this" and I turned and walked out.

I don't know what else to do. I understand his need for his own "space." We have that need as well. I do all his laundry. I literally wash the shit out of his underwear because he doesn't have good bowel control. I change his sheets and keep his room neat. I fix his meals and make sure that he eats to keep his strength up. Ronnie takes care of all his trailer needs such as water, emptying the tank, waterproofing it, etc. We have done everything we can to make him feel that our home is his home. I have even helped the man take his shower when his arm was in a cast from his last drunken episode. We have included him in our social circle to make sure that he has activities and friends. We have even booked a cruise to be taken in January because he has never been on one and we want to share that experience with him. In essence, we have done everything we can think of to let him know that we love him, we want him with us, and we enjoy having him around. Ronnie lost his dad when he was 9. While his stepdad has always been good to him, he didn't "do things" with him. Ronnie has enjoyed doing things with Daddy. I have enjoyed getting up and having coffee with him in the mornings. It gives us a special private time to visit.

I know that the holidays were somewhat sad for Daddy. My mom has been gone five years now and my brother has been gone almost three years. Trust me, I know that he misses them. I lost them, too. I miss them, too. But I am not about to let something that I can't change ruin the time that I have with the people I still have with me. I'm not going to alienate the people who care the most about me.

So, what now? What do I do? I am totally at a loss and my heart hurts. I'm a fixer and I can't fix this.

Home for the Holidaze...

Okay...I don't normally let people know the things that get to me...because often family members are guilty of at least some of the "infractions." It's not always family...more often than not it is complete strangers that figure out a way to push my buttons. However, this Christmas season I am patting myself on the back because I have experienced each of the following issues and have yet to kill anyone. Call it the Christmas spirit, if you will, or tolerance or whatever PC term you wish to use.

You may not give a damn one way or another, but if you wish to be in my presence and live to see another holiday season, you might want to know my "Top Ten List of Things That Make Me Go Postal."

1. People who ask dumbass questions. I am on crutches. Don't stop me in the middle of my struggle to hobble through a store and ask me, "Are you hurt?" or "Are you okay?" I am on crutches you frickin' moron. Hell, no. I am not okay and yes, I am hurt. What kind of mental giant are you that you have to ask?

2. Women who are too good to sit down on a toilet seat so they "hover" and pee all over the seat...and don't wipe it off. Seriously? Have you ever known anyone who got a toilet seat disease? What makes you think that I want to sit in your pee? By the very nature of it being a public toilet that means your bacteria-laden DNA covers and then dries on my butt until I can get to my shower to wash away your yuck. You disgust me!

3. Self-appointed experts who have to loudly share their unique genius and perspective with everyone within a 25 foot hearing range. Recently I attended a hockey game. I love my Dallas Stars. I have been to literally hundreds of games and watched even more on television. I understand the game. I do NOT wish to hear Mr. Expert give a play by play of the entire game to his novice friend who has never attended, seen on television, or even heard of hockey before this particular night.

4. Companion to #3...Don't try to pretend that you have a personal relationship with each and every player. Just because you know their name, have watched them play, maybe even gotten their autograph...that doesn't mean you are new best friends. Hell, I have ridden in a golf cart with Nicholas Grossman and hugged and had my photo taken with Marty Turco, but neither of them would recognize me if we walked past each other on the street. Yelling out, "Come on Grossi" or get "Get on that puck , Otter," does not presume intimacy. Give it up you celebrity wannabe.

5. Malfunctioning coffee machines. I love my flavored coffee. My favorite is English Toffee. However, it pisses me off to pay $3 for a large cup of English Toffee coffee and when it cools down enough to take a sip it is watered down sludge. Get the mixture of powder to water right, Mr. Middle Eastern convenience store man! (Was that too harsh?) How hard can it be to read the label and put the appropriate amount of powder in with the water. The machine just mixes it so don't blame it on the machine.

6. Companion to #5: Seriously, who drinks boiling water? Why would you think that I would want my coffee at a temperature that immediately scorches every taste bud and leaves gianormous blisters on the surface of my tongue. I actually like to enjoy the TASTE of my coffee. Call me crazy, but that's just the way I am.

7. A-hole drivers who own the road and can't be bothered to extend common courtesy to other drivers. Just because you are in the lane doesn't mean you own it. Change lanes if you can while others are trying to enter the freeway. Don't speed up so they have to either floor it or slam on the brakes. Does it matter that you get there 2 1/2 seconds later because you allowed another driver to safely enter the roadway? Call it an act of Christian kindness if you must...just get the hell out of the way.

8. People who want me to see something so they lean across me and point at it...thus sticking their obnoxious arm and/or hand in my face right in my eyes. Do it again and I will bite you. I'm just saying...

9.People who can't say "Please" or "Thank You." My son-in-law is one of the most respectful young people I have ever met. Though he hates to ask for anything, when he does ask for something he always uses the nicest manners. He also says "yes, mam" and "no, mam" to me EVERY time. Old-fashioned manners, I know, but speaks to the integrity of the man.

10. People who presume to know my taste in movies/food/books, etc. You are not me. Don't tell me that I will like or dislike something just because you do. I may think you are a blithering idiot and just be too kind to make you aware of that fact. I am gracious that way. I am not you and you are not me. I am an adult who is perfectly capable of deciding for myself whether or not I like or dislike something. Even if my reasoning is flawed (in your opinion), I have the right to my opinion and it is not stupid just because it differs from yours. So, spread your propaganda somewhere else. This chick has a brain and she knows how to use it.

Well, I guess that just about sums it up. I'm really not hard to get along with if you just steer clear of the "danger zones." Is that asking too much. In this season of togetherness with family and friends, I thought it would be a good idea to just put this out there in the interest of peace and harmony.

Merry Christmas everyone!~carol